The Walking Wed: Surviving the Marriage Apocalypse

Last night I attended a Theology on Tap event (you should come!) with my Parish in Washington DC. The emcee set the context for the series on marriage with an article from CNN detailing a coming marriage decline in the United States among young adults. Americans between the ages of 18 and 29 are asking if marriage is worth it. With this question in mind, a very dynamic and comical couple took the stage and captivated us all with their welcoming anecdotes and adorable banter. 10 years of marriage looks damn good on these people. 

Their initial comments brought the room back to reality: "When did anyone say marriage was going to be easy? Who told you it would be perfect? Marriage is hard work and it is absolutely worth it." They offered three main points for people who want to prepare for marriage during their single life.

Invest in your prayer life to open your heart to receive God's plan for you.

• Marriage isn't in everyone's future and prayer will help you discern, with grace, if that is the case. Prayer will also build up your spirit and help your soul be complete in God. You don't need someone else to complete you!

Become intimately aware of how your family of origin has shaped your world view, your faith, and your personality.

• Our families really do shape who we are - for better or worse there is no getting around this fact. Take time to think about how your family traditions, worldview, and interactions have shaped you and your expectations. Did your parents argue in front of you as a child? Would you be comfortable having an argument in your relationship? Did your parents keep arguments and affection out of your view? Would you feel comfortable being affectionate in front of other people, in front of your children? Where do you need to be on holidays? How did your upbringing shape your personality and are there things about that upbringing you want to carry into your own marriage and how you raise your children? These are some questions to ask yourself and determine what can stay and what can go when you finally meet your person.

Work on communication NOW!

• How do you communicate to the people around you? You don't need to wait to be in a relationship to work on your communication skills. Relationships and marriages can end because of a lack of communication. Being misunderstood is the worst! But we can't read minds so it takes a lot of work to make sure everyone is on the same page. The couple last night suggested using "I feel" statements. Instead of attacking the behavior of someone else, let them know how their action or words affected you - "When you leave your clothes on the floor, I feel like you don't respect our shared space. It makes me feel like you don't care about how hard I have worked to clean up this space." The other person can empathize and work out a solution rather than reacting and feeling attacked.

I enjoyed this talk particularly because it was applicable to me now. I'm engaged and working toward marriage but these are skills I can really hone in on while I'm not yet married. The couple took some questions from the group and I felt they all served the group well. Have you ever been to a group thing and someone asks a very long and incredibly specific question and the answer doesn't really help anyone else in the room? That didn't happen!

One question, however, had a misleading premise that I'd like to address: "How do you work around each other's flaws as you're building a relationship?" I think that question itself is flawed. Yes, human beings are flawed because of sin nature. There is an innate good nature about us that comes from God but we are flawed in that and it often takes a lot of work to be good. However, we should make sure we don't mean 'differences' when we say 'flaws'. This is something I learned early on in my relationship with my now fiancé. I'm very particular about a lot of things. I usually know exactly how I want something to be and I often think that because it is the best way (in my mind), it is the only right way - flipping through the TV guide channel the right way, loading the dishwasher the right way, chopping onions the right way.

I had to realize that just because someone does something differently than I doesn't mean they are doing it wrong. It's just different. My fiancé and I have different ways of doing many things. Sometimes this can be incredibly annoying. But it's not a flaw. It's just a difference and it's okay. People have a tendency to hold everyone else to their own standard of living, doing, acting. There are some things that are wrong across the board and some things that are right across the board. But I encourage you to take some time to examine if the "flaws" you see in people are really just differences and if you can make it a habit to accept these as simply (and only) that.

Finally, I'd like to encourage you to be intentional with your communication. Having previously been in a long-term committed relationship that turned out to not be what I wanted, I made it a point in my current relationship to be very intentional with my communication. It's a work in progress but I still try to say what I want and say what I mean. In the past I would hold people to a certain standard that seemed entirely obvious to me. I would get angry and hurt because I didn't get the response I was looking for or the attention I wanted. Now I just say what I want and what I expect. Sometimes my wants and expectations are unrealistic and as a couple we work through those to come to an agreement. We are happier for it and I'm thankful I found a person who works equally as hard to communicate intentionally with me. 

"I am declaring war!"

Audience participation - say, "I hate stress and I want to limit it's influence in my life. What can I do about it?" Well, first, you can watch this little clip from one of the best British television shows - The IT Crowd. 

This scene sets the tone for the rest of this post and will give some context to what I'm going to share with you. The boss of Reynholm Industries has declared a war on stress, which is a disease and kills 80 million people a minute! Serious shtuff right there. So, while that may be an exaggeration, you get the point and you've heard it said before - stress isn't healthy.

The National Institutes of Health explains stress as the brain's response to any demand. Change can be a primary trigger of stress though not all stress is bad. Your stress response kicks in when you experience change, the degree of which may vary from moving to a new house, winning a race or commuting to and from work. Stress actually plays a very important role in how we live our lives - the chemicals and hormones released as part of our stress response prepare us to face a threat or flee to safety. Those short bursts of nerve chemicals can boost your immune system too! When you experience chronic stress, however, you can experience serious health risks. That's what I've declared war on.

Google "stress" and you get nearly 2 million results! There are countless self-help books, television specials, documentaries and radio hours explaining the dangers of stress, how to cope with it and how to avoid it altogether. There are thousands of 5, 9, 12 step programs. My quick search pulled up some of the following "ways to defeat stress":

·       Rely on routines

·       Think about the progress you've already made

·       Have a bath

·       Meditate or pray

·       Stop drinking alcohol

·       Drink more alcohol (kidding, sort of)

·       Stay positive and avoid asking "what if"

Those all seem like good options. You probably have your own system of relieving or avoiding stress. I like to remind myself of what I know. I have a few post its above my computer monitors that I look at through the day. One of them says, "Let it go. Breathe." (Yes, that is a reference to Frozen. Get over it.) Another has a Scripture, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope!" They simply serve as little reminders when I need to get out of my own head. They work.

Side note - not all stress is bad. It can be a really useful tool to boost your energy or your drive to complete something that may seem intimidating. I don’t have time to get into that now but keep in mind you can determine if your stress response will be positive or not. Next time you are going to have an intense conversation with someone and want to stand your ground, think of your stress as an extra shell in your magazine!

But back to avoiding and controlling stress - we all have a stress response. Some people shut down, hide under a rock and wait for the fog to clear. Some people talk out their problems and come to a conclusion and plan of action. Others hit the gym and sweat out their anxiety before facing a task or situation. More recently I have turned directly to prayer.

Over Lent I gave up screen time - Facebook, TV, movies, shows, Netflix - and I added more reading, reflection and prayer. I read Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets and loved it! It encouraged my spirit so much and gave me some really solid, practical wisdom on how to target my prayers. Because of this I have been much better about turning my stress into intercession and allowing God to take care of the things I have no control over. Not being in control or having control is a stressor for me. Being able to take those concerns in prayer to God has been a huge weight off my shoulders. I encourage you to make that your gut reaction.

The last 21 days of Lent I made it a morning habit to read Psalm 119 aloud every day. It was incredible! That chapter is full of so many solid prayers. It covers every base you could possibly have. Give it a try. It takes like 6 minutes to read out loud. It's a good stress reliever and you'll feel so equipped for your day. Seriously, it's like a daily vitamin for your soul. 

I cried.

For those of you who do not know - I am a worshiper. Worship is the most valuable expression of my heart to God. It is the most eloquent love language. I love to listen to music and sing my heart out, bringing glory and honor to God. "Holy, Holy, Holy." That's about the most amazing thing you can sing. Joining with the angels and magnifying the Creator. Incredible. I've recently been thinking about where that passion came from - why do I love worship? What is it about singing to God and about His love that brings me peace, joy and strength? I think it all started when I was a kid.

I remember living in Bolivia at the young age of 8 or 9. It was an incredible, life-altering experience and I miss the people and the country. My parents were asked to help another American couple (whom I adore) start a church down there, so we packed up and moved! We got a cat. We lived in a two story house with terrible mint-green tiles and a courtyard with barbed wire and broken shards of glass along the 10 feet concrete walls. Our shower had an electric casing that would heat the water in the shower-head and electrify you if you touched it while wet. My sister (3 at the time) cut the ear of our cat. We played with LEGOS and drank chocolate milk from a plastic bag. It was awesome. All of it. Bolivia changed me for the better in many ways.

My parents are just about the most talented people I know. One of the things my parents helped do for the church was translate songs we sang in America into Spanish. My dad taught himself to play keys. My mom choreographed dances and skits that would help bring the Gospel to homeless people. We would make huge pots of soup or stew, set up tables near a train stop, feed the homeless and share the love and truth of Jesus with people. I was eight.

You need to go to Agua Viva de la Roca. That church is amazing. The Glory dwells there. I remember going to practice with my parents and having to watch my little sister run around. We would bundle up during the cold months because the building had open space between the roof and the top of the walls - it had to stay cool in the summer or people would have melted! We would roll ourselves up in blankets and lay on the creaky wooden benches that filled the open space. One night during church, my parents were singing and my dad was playing. I think a youth group from our sponsor church in Daytona  Beach, FL was visiting. I was eight, standing in a row maybe 20 feet from the stage, singing my heart out. I don't remember the song. I don't remember much at all about the night. But I cried. I worshiped and I cried. I cried my eyes out and actually had a physical experience with the love and truth and reality of God.

I cried.

That's why worship is my medicine, my stress reliever, my entertainment. Worship engages the deepest part of my heart and soul and pulls me into God's perfect love. Putting my attention on God is the biggest joy in my life. The other morning I was thinking about whoever God has in mind for me to spend the rest of my life with. I was thinking about how important worship is to me; how much I love to sing and write songs. I thought about this unknown man I'm going to marry some day and I knew with everything I am that he is going to be a worshiper too. I know he is going to be so passionate about music and praising God. I thought about being able to share the most beautiful thing (worship) with someone I love. I cried.

I don't know why I wanted to write about this. I've just been thinking a lot about it so I figured it belonged here, on this blog.

In case you're wondering - here is a snapshot of my most-listened-to playlist: Return to Your Rest
Tear Down the Walls Live - Hillsong United (Across the Earth: Tear Down the Walls
Everything to Me - Emily Cole
I Breathe You In, God - Brian & Katie Torwalt
For the Cross and Chasing You - Jenn Johnson
Instruments of Your Peace - Lionel Peterson
God is Love - Suzy Yaraei
Waiting Here for You - Martin Smith
Jesus Paid it All - Sovereign Grace Music
Nothing But the Blood - Matt Redman
Alpha & Omega - Israel Houghton & New Breed
Refiner's Fire - Brian Doerksen
Christ is Enough - Hillsong Live (Glorious Ruins)
Man of Sorrows - Hillsong Live (Glorious Ruins)
Love Goes On - Hillsong Live (Y&F)

Oh and this makes me cry and also this.
That is all. :)

generally speaking

oh yah, I have a blog.

This is all written on a whim as I'm crossing through my to-do list at work. This has been a crazy few weeks in session. So many meetings and conflicts to resolve. I recently oversaw the work of a volunteer who truly struggled for the first 6 weeks of his program to find his place. He was terrible at following directions and being able to finish tasks. One of my mentors and I discussed this situation and after three or four conversations we all agreed the volunteer would work very hard to adjust his attitude and work to improve on his opportunities. I was encouraged by his growth.

Confrontation is a big difficulty for me. When I was managing the Disney Store in Charlotte, NC, confronting Cast Members who weren't meeting goals was extremely difficult. It is hard for me to say "You are doing this wrong and you're disappointing me." I don't know why it's hard. I can do it fine with friends and family. haha but not with coworkers/employees. I really am glad that I was able to follow through the confrontation, engage the conflict and work toward a solution. I'd like to continue to grow in that regard but that's a dangerous desire. God may help me by giving me a lot of difficult people to deal with. Which I guess would be fine if that's what He wants to do.

I'm enjoying Lent. (Those words probably shouldn't go together) I have given up screen time to make room for other things. No social media, TV, shows, movies, Netflix. I've been reading a lot more and sitting quietly. It's been a good week of Lent so far. I'm also looking for a dog and that has taken up quite a bit of my time. I'm hoping to have a dog by summer but the process is long and hard. I keep asking God to bring along the perfect fit. He's good to me so I'm not worried.

The weather in DC has been great this week. OMG I love being outside. I picked up my roommate Elizabeth from the airport last week and the sun was out, it was mid 60s and perfect. She and I were discussing our plans for our house and purchasing a place in DC and then purchasing a whole street and taking over the world. I laughed and said how dangerous good weather is because it makes dreamers like Elizabeth and I believe we actually can do everything we set our minds to.

Let's see, what else? I caught my hair on fire a few weeks ago - not sure if I've mentioned that just yet on this blog. Yah. I was standing too close to an open flame at a cool place called the 18th St. Lounge and my hair just went up in smoke (and flames). I put the flames out with my hands, went home immediately and wallowed in the misery and stench of burnt hair. The salon around the corner opened at 11am Sunday morning and I was camped out at the door. 5 inches later, I was a happy kid.

I haven't seen the LEGO movie yet but I've been wanting to. That will be my one cheat during Lent, if I get around to the theater in time.That's about it. I haven't even thought about what to write on this blog in a while and I'm not sure anyone cares about the contents of this post but whatever. There it is for you.

Peace 'n blessins.

Equal ≠ The Same

There are just some words that make me cringe: moist, soggy, taxes, diversity training, gender inequality, feminism. Gross! This whole gender inequality thing is really terrible. I mean it is 2014 and we women are still not seen as equals! Women aren't respected! Women don't have the same opportunities! Can I get a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!? Where is the equality? Women are helpless! False.

Women are not helpless. Women are strong. Women are smart, sensitive, calculating, driven and observant. We are feminine, beautiful and confident. The modern feminist movement makes me sick sometimes. Burn your bras ladies! Don't shave your legs! Wear pantsuits to work and cut that long hair! Seriously? Have we diminished the importance of women's equality to walking, talking, dressing like a man and playing hardball with the big boys? Why do we want to be equal anyway? I don't want to be treated like a man. I don't want to be compared to one either. I certainly don't want to be a man.

In trying to "equalize" men and women, the feminist movement has done a disservice to us girls. It's important to define this word "equality" before I proceed. The equality I see being pursued by modern feminism - the one I take issue with - is synonymous with sameness. The equality being pushed on woman is that we need to be the same as men. We need to become like men in order to be "equal". This is a false equality.

An example of the equality I want with men is the type of equality we achieved in gaining the right to vote. The Women's Suffrage movement was about giving equal voice to men and women and enabling the thoughts and minds of women to be expressed in the public square for the good of society as a whole. That equality was one of value. Women were valued in the same way as men but not for the same reasons. Perhaps a fun song can help illustrate this more clearly.

Remember the stylish Mrs. Banks in Mary Poppins? She comes into her house singing that catchy line, "Cast off the shackles of yesterday and shoulder to shoulder into the fray. Our daughters' daughters will adore us and they'll sing in grateful chorus, 'Well done! Sister Suffragette'." It's a beautiful rallying cry for political equality and equal rights with men. But they didn't want to be seen as men. They didn't want to be equal with or treated like men. They wanted to be appreciated and valued just as much as men but for being women. That's right - they wanted to be valued as women. This is the equality I desire and the kind I'm talking about in this post.

I'm not saying we've finished the "fight" or that we have arrived at equality. I'm trying to change the conversation and the equation. Women all over the world are abused, mistreated, degraded and not valued. I am very passionate about women's rights in the Middle East. It is one of my life goals to have a school for girls in Iraq. I will strive to provide girls with every opportunity I had growing up to learn, to succeed, to dream and to achieve. But I won't teach my girls to be boys.

Now, I'm all about being strong and athletic and running with the boys. I lift heavy things in the gym. I do handstand pushups. I bench press. But I also ask for help. I thank the guy who helps me move 45lb plates off the bar. I thank the guy who holds the door open for me and I appreciate the guy who compliments my legs. I don't get offended when a man tells me I am beautiful. I don't feel helpless when a man lifts my bag into the overhead bin. I want to be respected and taken care of. I want to be valued and protected.

I have to bring scripture into this because I believe God created men and women to be different. I think we are all familiar with the idea of the Proverbs 31 woman but I'd like to bullet point some of the qualities of this powerhouse:

• She is trustworthy, forgiving and generous
• She's a good shopper and knows how to spend money wisely (SCRIPTURAL!!)
• She is organized, early to rise and a good investor
• She plants a garden and knows how to take care of land (hat tip to Martha Stewart)
• She senses the worth of her work
• She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking (Etsy is in the Bible!)
• She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor
• She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks
• Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile
• When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly
• She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive
• Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!”

I want these things to be said about me. I'm reminded of a great scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the main character has an argument with her father about the direction her life is heading. After her father storms out of the room Toula Portokalos looks at her mom with tears in her eyes and says, "Mom, dad is so stubborn, what he says goes. The man is the head of the house." Brushing the hair off Toula's face, Maria tells her daughter, "Let me tell you something Toula, the man is the head but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants."

Ladies, I say we step back into our skirt suits, strap on our red soled heels, touch up our lipstick and turn some heads.

Honest Thoughts on Being Single (and Happy)

So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm Destiny Decker and I'm single. I should be better about saving recipes I like. Baking is one of my favorite ways to de-stress. I've recently learned how to fold paper into origami boxes for cookies. I've been in love once and I miss that adventure but I'm okay to not be in love at the moment. I think our idea of what we need or want changes over time. As we experience more things, more people, our desires change and I think we gain a fuller idea of what the world is like and thus what we ourselves are like. I'm definitely a fan of self-evaluation and self-adjusting. I'm pleasantly surprised at the changes I've noticed recently. 

Friday night I went out with one of my roommates for a drink (The Orchata Martini at H Street Country Club is one of the best drinks I've ever had.) He asked me, "If you could add one thing to your life, if there was one thing you could have that you thought, 'this would make my life better,' what would it be?" I answered, "My first two gut responses are: 1) my own place to live or 2) a dog." He and I were both impressed that my gut didn't say "a boyfriend" because I know that my happiness isn't based on someone else and I recognize having someone else in my life isn't going to fix it or make it better all the time.

Things that would make my life better: my own place and puppies.

I'm glad to be in this place finally. I've been single since August 2012 after spending 3.5 years in a serious, committed relationship. My first love was (and still is) one of the kindest men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. (For the purposes of this post I will refer to him as "A".) He has a heart of gold and whoever ends up holding the key to his heart will be a very lucky girl. She will be loved and cherished and will want for nothing. I probably could have been that girl but after living on opposite sides of the country for two years, A and I realized our lives were headed in vastly different directions than we could have anticipated when we first started dating. It was a crazy adventure, to be sure, and I am thankful to have shared so much with such a wonderful man. When I see old blog posts or journal entries about A I say a word of thanks to God for allowing me the honor of that relationship for so long. I also thank God for giving us both the grace to end things when and how we did. I know that was a difficult transition for A and me but I believe God was guiding it all the way.

Now I am in DC, hot, single and ready for a Pringle. Life is good and I'm happy. I took a walk with a good guy friend the other night and we started talking about dating vs. relational networking. In my previous post I mentioned that my mom's most recent dating advice was to stop. I think that's a good practice for this year; or at least for the time being. I don't want to put expectations on my relationships or the people around me. I love meeting new people! I like getting to know people and having conversation without feeling like I have to impress them or say the right thing to keep them interested. I'd like to be myself and get to know the heart of other people. I'm totally speaking for myself here. Maybe the reason dating is so scary to some (I'm assuming dating is scary to some) is the fear of rejection. The fear that if I don't come across in a certain way, don't play the right game, don't act "right", I won't be romantically desired. Honestly, I'd rather just be myself around you and let you work out if you're game or not to stick around. Our conversations will be more open, more sincere and probably more fun because we won't be calculating and estimating and pretending.

I still want to be pursued by someone someday. I still want to fall in love and stay in love. I want to enjoy meeting another family and making them mine. All of these will come in time but for now I like the self-adjustment and improvement. By improvement I don’t mean that I have a checklist of personality traits I want to acquire. I'm not striving for perfection. Improvement is adjusting my reactions, my words and deeds, to better suit the person I want to be. I want to be kind so I should respond with more grace. My attitude should remain positive through adversity so I should cultivate gratitude. I'm not trying to make myself better for someone to like me. I'm doing so because it's good.

What do you think about dating and expectations? Do you put on a certain air when you're romantically interested in someone? Do you try to influence their perception of you up front? I think it's worth exploring further. Maybe we can't help but play a little bit of the game. I guess I've grown weary of the expectations and fears that arise. When I'm interested in someone I second guess every communication and think one wrong word or mis-communicated punctuation mark will ruin my chances of getting to know that person more. This is something I've caught myself doing only recently, which I guess sort of inspired these thoughts. I don't want to be nervous I'm saying the wrong thing. I want to be myself and not worry about it. I get toning down some of your quirks until someone really knows you but this is not that. This is about not putting expectations on my relationships and on those around me so that I can communicate fully and honestly. 

Does that make sense?

Golden Opportunities

One of my friends recently tried to introduce one of her single girl friends to a great mutual guy friend of mine. The girl's first question about the potential suitor was, "Does he love Jesus like I do?" When my friend told me about this I was shocked, disappointed and frankly a bit angry. Unfortunately, questions like that and the mindset behind them are part of the reason my non-Christian friends don't want to go to church. They are part of the reason I don't want to go to church!

I'll probably not get the chance to ask this girl what she meant by her question but I have a few thoughts and responses. If she wanted to know if he was comfortable in a Charismatic setting or even wanted to know what his spiritual/faith background was she should have asked that. But loving Jesus has nothing to do with your expression of worship at church on Sunday morning. Love for Jesus isn't made up of the right ratio of hand clapping, tambourine shaking or flag waving. Loving Jesus is about loving people.

Just a quick side note about love. Love doesn't accept, tolerate or ignore sin. Love accepts people, though. True love brings repentance and that's what we should be after. The perfect, untainted love of God for humanity is what pulls at us and brings about a change of heart and action. Let's try to love people that way and show them our life as an example. Just love people.

How have we lost sight of what it means to be Christ like in our love? Jesus was a people person! He met people. He met everyone and anyone. In today's terms, he met druggie prostitutes, pot head hipsters, flamboyant homosexuals and those terrible people who work for the IRS. He loved them, talked to them and didn't ask for a set of prerequisites before relating to them. You know which people He liked least of all? The guys He met in church.

I want to encourage you to step back and think about all the people in your circles of influence - work, home, church, the gym etc. Think of those people as opportunities. Think of the next conversation you have with each one of those people as an opportunity to love.

Have you ever seen a gold mine? It's not pretty in there. It's dirty. It's super dangerous. It's cold and wet and dark and small and probably scary and lonely. But guess what? IT IS WORTH IT. Being in that mine, in the dark and the cold and the dirt, is worth it because you will pull out the gold if you stay in there long enough and dig deep enough.

Jesus was really good at drawing the gold out of people. He was excellent at seeing the heart and potential of each person. He sees it in you. He sees it in me. I want to be like that! I want to see the gold in people and I want to use every opportunity I have to draw that gold out. We shouldn't be SO concerned with the harvest that we forget to plant seeds. Just be a friend. Buy a beer for the guy next to you at the bar and ask him his story. Don't insulate yourself out of fear. Be the influencer. Invest in people. Love people. Drink and eat and laugh with people.

My mom is an incredible woman. She and I were recently talking about this exact thing (which inspired this post). She is really gifted in drawing the gold out of people. Her advice on dating is this: stop. Focus instead on relational networking. Meeting people for the purpose of knowing them is a good enough reason to spend time with someone! We don't have to put pressures and expectations on people! Meet people, get to know them and let it all grow into what it's meant to be. Draw the gold out of everyone you meet, not just the cute, tall, smart, athletic ones. ;) 2014 is going to be a year of open doors, especially relational ones. Keep a smile on that beautiful/handsome face and be ready when new people come knocking!

P.S. Before publishing this post I had my good friend Cara read through it. This was her comment:

"I was a bit taken aback by your first paragraph, because to me that is a normal, and perfectly legit, question to ask regarding someone that I may, conceivably, be getting into a serious relationship with. I don’t care about the stupid religious details, of course, but a guy’s love for Jesus is my first criteria for getting into a romantic relationship with him. It will determine whether we have a long-term future. And I believe that that is Biblical (that whole “do not be yoked with an unbeliever” thing in 2 Cor. 6:14)."

Cara, I fully agree that for the purposes of romantic, committed relationships, people should share faith values. For the purposes of this post, however, my point is don't shut the door on anyone just because they don't share your faith. Your influence could adjust their viewpoint and change their heart. Maybe you'll lead him to a belief in and relationship with God, fall in love and get married! But you'll never get to that point if you're not willing to pull the gold out of the dirt first. Remember: focus on relational networking because knowing people is an intrinsic good.