Honest Thoughts on Being Single (and Happy)

So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm Destiny Decker and I'm single. I should be better about saving recipes I like. Baking is one of my favorite ways to de-stress. I've recently learned how to fold paper into origami boxes for cookies. I've been in love once and I miss that adventure but I'm okay to not be in love at the moment. I think our idea of what we need or want changes over time. As we experience more things, more people, our desires change and I think we gain a fuller idea of what the world is like and thus what we ourselves are like. I'm definitely a fan of self-evaluation and self-adjusting. I'm pleasantly surprised at the changes I've noticed recently. 

Friday night I went out with one of my roommates for a drink (The Orchata Martini at H Street Country Club is one of the best drinks I've ever had.) He asked me, "If you could add one thing to your life, if there was one thing you could have that you thought, 'this would make my life better,' what would it be?" I answered, "My first two gut responses are: 1) my own place to live or 2) a dog." He and I were both impressed that my gut didn't say "a boyfriend" because I know that my happiness isn't based on someone else and I recognize having someone else in my life isn't going to fix it or make it better all the time.

Things that would make my life better: my own place and puppies.

I'm glad to be in this place finally. I've been single since August 2012 after spending 3.5 years in a serious, committed relationship. My first love was (and still is) one of the kindest men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. (For the purposes of this post I will refer to him as "A".) He has a heart of gold and whoever ends up holding the key to his heart will be a very lucky girl. She will be loved and cherished and will want for nothing. I probably could have been that girl but after living on opposite sides of the country for two years, A and I realized our lives were headed in vastly different directions than we could have anticipated when we first started dating. It was a crazy adventure, to be sure, and I am thankful to have shared so much with such a wonderful man. When I see old blog posts or journal entries about A I say a word of thanks to God for allowing me the honor of that relationship for so long. I also thank God for giving us both the grace to end things when and how we did. I know that was a difficult transition for A and me but I believe God was guiding it all the way.

Now I am in DC, hot, single and ready for a Pringle. Life is good and I'm happy. I took a walk with a good guy friend the other night and we started talking about dating vs. relational networking. In my previous post I mentioned that my mom's most recent dating advice was to stop. I think that's a good practice for this year; or at least for the time being. I don't want to put expectations on my relationships or the people around me. I love meeting new people! I like getting to know people and having conversation without feeling like I have to impress them or say the right thing to keep them interested. I'd like to be myself and get to know the heart of other people. I'm totally speaking for myself here. Maybe the reason dating is so scary to some (I'm assuming dating is scary to some) is the fear of rejection. The fear that if I don't come across in a certain way, don't play the right game, don't act "right", I won't be romantically desired. Honestly, I'd rather just be myself around you and let you work out if you're game or not to stick around. Our conversations will be more open, more sincere and probably more fun because we won't be calculating and estimating and pretending.

I still want to be pursued by someone someday. I still want to fall in love and stay in love. I want to enjoy meeting another family and making them mine. All of these will come in time but for now I like the self-adjustment and improvement. By improvement I don’t mean that I have a checklist of personality traits I want to acquire. I'm not striving for perfection. Improvement is adjusting my reactions, my words and deeds, to better suit the person I want to be. I want to be kind so I should respond with more grace. My attitude should remain positive through adversity so I should cultivate gratitude. I'm not trying to make myself better for someone to like me. I'm doing so because it's good.

What do you think about dating and expectations? Do you put on a certain air when you're romantically interested in someone? Do you try to influence their perception of you up front? I think it's worth exploring further. Maybe we can't help but play a little bit of the game. I guess I've grown weary of the expectations and fears that arise. When I'm interested in someone I second guess every communication and think one wrong word or mis-communicated punctuation mark will ruin my chances of getting to know that person more. This is something I've caught myself doing only recently, which I guess sort of inspired these thoughts. I don't want to be nervous I'm saying the wrong thing. I want to be myself and not worry about it. I get toning down some of your quirks until someone really knows you but this is not that. This is about not putting expectations on my relationships and on those around me so that I can communicate fully and honestly. 

Does that make sense?